What do I need?

People say I’m beautiful,

I wonder why I don’t feel so.

Some say I got a great job,

I don’t think I think so.

Friends keep telling me I am adorable,

I still don’t feel so happy inside,

I am told I am young and life’s waiting for me,

Still why in my mind I sense a divide!

It’s frustrating to know that I can’t feel what I want to feel,

No matter how much I tell me myself, this broken heart doesn’t heal.

Something is missing and I am desperately trying to find,

All I see is a deserted road of life, front and behind.

I am turning to people for comfort who I barely know,

Where’s that one shoulder for a lifetime, where I thought I could always go?

I need that passion again, that zeal, that fire, that soul,

I need my hand to be held, so I can feel whole.

I know now what can make me myself, and help ease this pain,

I need to be loved, and I need to love again...

The Idea of Perfect

A tall handsome man, not dark, but just fair enough for his masculine features to be evident, chiseled jaw, and deep brown eyes, dark hair and broad forehead, and smelling of musk and wood in winter evening, on his knee, with a smile on his lips and ring held between his fingers, looking admiringly at you and you can feel in fast breath and his pounding heart wishing you to be his forever. And in your heart of heart you always knew this dream of yours would come true. All you wanna do now is say ‘Yes’ and live that bliss forever with that special someone.

Or you are that one guy who has been searching for that soul mate ever since you knew what love could mean, and you finally think you found it in your best friend? She’s been with you since as long as you remember, and she’s that perfect girl who can be your passionate partner, your adorable buddy and your wife all at once. She’s your strength and weakness, but you still can’t seem to realize how did that feeling of friendship changed to love! But one thing you know for sure is that you want her to be yours forever, and what’s making you smile now is that same feeling you can sense in the way she looks at you!

Finding a long lost love, getting married to the one you always saw in your dreams, hearing I love you from that one single most special person in your life, getting surprised when you least expected. What are these? Or think, hearing back from that company you’ve been sending your resumes to for last 4 yrs, getting a promotion just when you were planning to make a big investment, getting posted in your dream location, or knowing that you’re gonna have a baby just when you thought life had slowed down.

These are all the perfect moments we can ever imagine. Love, career, family, money. Most of our dreams revolve around these.  And we call it perfect when any of those come true. As long as this is what it means, it’s all good, but what not is, when we start expecting our life to be perfect. The truth is, it cannot be. Because its life, it’s not a collection of dreams. 

If all of what we want comes true, what fun would it be to dream anymore? To try anymore? To wait for a surprise? to wait or that special weekend? To plan those trips? The real fun is in the chase, and we all know it! That courtship period is a million times sweeter than that final day when you exchange the rings! Why? Because nothing can be compared to that anticipation, that heart which seems to be pounding inside your chest, those eyes which keep sending prayers heavenwards every second moment, and finally that joy when it all comes true. But even when it doesn’t, don’t keep regret, cos you did all that you could to make your dream come to life. That’s what life is about – to die without regrets. 

Even when nothing is perfect, you can try making it. And good thing is, perfect keeps moving its flag post! So it can actually get better every time. Have a bad relationship? So what if its not the perfect thing to have. No one wants a messed up relationship. Try putting in more efforts, try looking at that side of his/her which was never shared till now. It’s a simple fact – when you want things to get better, stop doing what’s not working. 

God is just playing chess with us. His move is not a challenge, it’s an opportunity, and our move is Life. Dreams come true, when he just places his pawn at the exact square when we wanted him to! But even when he doesn’t, big deal! Game’s not over just there anyways, right? One good thing again, God never checkmates us, till we finally give up.

Live life to the fullest, 

Dream big, Try harder, 

Love more, forgive easily and 

Smile like it all is just the way you wanted. 

'Cos another good thing about perfect is – 

It never is….

The Heart is meant to Love

This thought that I so badly wanted to put in words, now just eludes me. Why is it then when we’re happy, all the things we’d been crying over until last night suddenly seem so trivial..and then as soon as the sun sets, and we realize that the night is back again, those very same thoughts come running back too. Now, I just need to think of one thing to take me back to where I was last night, into my soul. And what do I think of? I just look around my empty room, my cellphone with no msgs I’ld love to reply,and no calls I am waiting for. There I am. And lonliness stands there mocking me, as if saying,”You thought I’d left you for good when you were just out partying with your friends? Or when you just chat for long hours on the phone, or are busy msging or email? Oh poor dear, I was just playing around with you! You can try as much as you want to escape, I am gonna be right there waiting for you everytime your day ends…”

Why did I always overrate love? Or was it not just me? I feel I am sure, that maybe I think I know it. Well, who am I kidding. I am so confused. We all expect a miracle to happen in our lives, the person we’d always imagined of, coming into our lives in the strangest of coincidences, and making us believe that it was always meant to be. We do it, don’t we? If not expect, let’s say, we hope for it. And that’s when the lightning strikes. The person we fall in love with us, is just not that into us, or we’re less of a priority than their careers, which I’m sure these days have become a very polite way of turning away, or rarely is honest or courageous enough to le us know there’s someone else in their life. Now the sad part, the most beautiful things to us are then said by the person who just doesn’t matter that much! Or someone for whom we can clearly see it’s all a game, and it doesn’t mean anything to him. So there it goes, maybe our last chance to happiness, lost to our heart’s will, which ironically was searching for happiness…

But you know why I was happy now? Because I realized our heart is just designed to love. It gets hurt, and then fixes itself and starts working again. Like a self repairing clock. It can do no other work the best way, as it can show time. Sometimes it does take time, days months years…But then it happens. Somewhere the heart’s urge to love again, and your mind’s will to get you out of the pain, like an alarm that goes off in the morning of an exam, no matter how badly you wanna go to sleep, that alarm and your mind just push you out of the bed!

So let your heart do some good to you now, and you be nice to it. Let it love again. Don’t punish a part of you for someone else’s mistake. You might say that ‘even in state of despair and misery, I’m thinking good for others around me, close to me, who matter.’ But, what we feel matters only to us. What we say and do, is what matters to people around. Thoughts are not just a few electric pulses in our brain until they mean something for someone else. Give them a chance to see how you feel, and how you can make them feel.

As a girl, honestly I’ve believed and self pitied so many times that we have to go through so much pain in life, it’s so hard at times, but we just can’t run away from it. Why are we so emotional, and the heart breaks just happen to us, and so on. Yesterday I was watching a movie, and this pregnant wife, smiling, tells her husband –“I met the doctor today. It’s a girl!” As I watched the scene, the words just entered me and a tear left. How can I ever be miserable for trivial things? I could imagine the smiles on my parents’ faces when I was born. And I said to myself – “anything that starts with happiness, should never end in tears.” And I am talking about life here. It has no end. And so there’s no longer any place for tears.

I come back to my room that night, and Lonliness was there as usual. He looked at me for a second, smiled with the look of a person playing poker who realizes somehow that the opponent’s cards are so much better, and that he’s lost a big pool. It felt as if he was surrendering to me, as he took his jacket and closed the door behind him as he left. That night I slept, without any dreams, peacefully with just a smile. I’ve learnt to be happy, and to love again.

The Black Bird

Sitting by the window, lost in my thoughts,

I saw a little black bird flying in the rain.

Its wings were wet and yet how it danced,

Was there when I wished I was a child again.

Expecting success, longing for love, wishing we had it all,

How long do you think this way the innocence will remain?

Count the sleepless nights you’ve had, the moments you cried and prayed-

When you knew you’d give your life for it, but that was all in vain.

We have had times when we ran so hard to reach that peak dreamt of,

But now look back at the journey you missed, still worth was the gain?

If we keep missing out on the real life around us,

For how long will we be sane?

Now I will live for myself and expect no more, I thought

again today, with my arm resting on the window pane.

This world owes you nothing; it was here before you came,

I’d lost many and I lost much, realized as I went down the memory lane.

Today is a new day, a new sun, a new life,

Today there’s no place in my heart for pain.

If not for that black bird I would not have known,

I thank thee O black bird, and thank you rain…